ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
