I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
