Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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