Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize