can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
