There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
