if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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