swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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