Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize