theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize