i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
