just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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