They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
