I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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