If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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