if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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