the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
