I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
