So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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