My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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