he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
