I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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