Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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