That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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