my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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