I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
