The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
