your room smells of hookers.
And success
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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