Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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