Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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