those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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