If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
