What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
