Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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