hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
