On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
