Small penises have feelings too.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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