When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
