My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
