is your mom at the bar?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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