just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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