anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I need moral support for this bender
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
