my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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