you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
