she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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