does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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