walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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