We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
