in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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