my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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