That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize