sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
