good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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