i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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