i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just pee around me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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