She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
