We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
