nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
