She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please come you make the beer taste better
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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